You know those fabulous children that I rhapsodize about so often? Hard to admit but they do have a flaw or four. A glaring problem, in my opinion, is that they have little patience and even less sympathy for their tech-tentative mother. I can be happily using an app and have, what I think, is a justified question about how to use said app and my angels will reply to my question with, “Figure it out, Mom.”

I don’t want to figure it out. I want my daughter, Princess or my son, Trouble to show me how to use it. Why should I fiddle around and possibly make a giant mess of what I’m using when they can easily explain it to me?

“Push a button or two, Mom,” they say in an exasperated tone. “It’s not that difficult.”

I know that, but if they know the answer, shouldn’t they just show me? When they were younger, I didn’t tell them to figure out how to tie their own damn shoes. I tied them, bunny ears and all, for years. I always used my patient mom-voice and stopped whatever I was doing to make sure those bleeping shoes were tied.

I did not grow up with a computer, and an iPhone. Forgive me if, even after all these years, I still have a healthy fear/respect for these technological things. How do I know that I won’t lose hours of work by pressing the wrong button? I’m not comfortably trotting around the recesses of my smart phone or computer like my kids.

I saw a child, well under the age of two, recently playing with his mom’s phone. I watched as he nimbly swiped his finger across the bottom of the phone and then typed in her pass code to unlock the phone. No joke. The kid couldn’t talk, but he could work the phone. I’m ashamed to say that I felt a tad envious of this toddler.

Way back, when my lunch bag contained an apple (that I threw away), a Ding Dong and a Bologna and Cheese sandwich on Wonder Bread time were different and we were not being fed to expand and grow our minds. Accordingly, my brain cells are far too filled with preservatives to learn to navigate technology the way our vegan, organic eating children can.

To be honest, I never stop trying, but I’m no match for Princess and Trouble. They shift, control, swipe, press and tap away fearlessly but I can do things they cannot. So there.

I did not grow up with a calculator. Therefore, I can readily add, subtract, divide and multiple in…gasp…my head; without paper and a pen. I can spell without computer help. Multi-syllable words too. I only use spell-check to check my aging brain. I can type, without looking, using every finger because back in the dark ages schools made you take typing classes…for a year.

It’s not much and not even impressive but it’s what I use to console myself when one of my darlings answers my plea for help with, “Google it, Mom.”